I could never be a teacher. I thought about it today, and, besides the obvious monotony involved with teaching and re-teaching a curriculum that you have been so used to, there is a level of detachment involved with students and people in general. It must be really sad. I mean, think about it, you spend a large portion of your life trying to motivate kids to succeed in the world and to "expand their horizons" (whatever that means). You spend time trying to "educate", and i know a teacher in particular who gives a whole new, important, meaning to the word. It just seems that the job of teaching is very under appreciated. I can already name two teachers that have made a tremendous difference in my life and have taught me things that their course materials couldn't but still havent garnered the recognition they deserve. I just wish i could pay them back in some way. Sure, i can visit some years down the road, or send a letter that the teacher might read out to the class...but in the end my gratitude will be considered fleeting. Like every student out there who has been socialized by various schools, environments, and of course teachers. I guess this is more directed at people who have put in time and effort to help me grow as a person when they didnt even have to. Thanks.

I have nothing interesting to write about.

At the time in my life where im supposed to write about my metaphysical self in essays, my mind is drawing a blank( if my mind could draw that is).

This past month has impacted me a great deal. At debate camp, impact is the appropriate word(LOL!) and i think the overall experience taught me a lot. I realized that much of college will be spent trying to balance work and fun so that you dont get too caught up in either one or trying not to "struggle"(an inside joke if you dont get it). So i made a lot of friends, established some superficial and some not so superficial relationships and had a good time hanging out and doing something i enjoy for two weeks, not to mention that the food was amazing. I used to be really bothered before July started about meeting people that i would never be seeing again and trying to cultivate a lasting bond with them or something. I think camp changed that a lot because i realized that in many ways people make friends to try and learn more about themselves and to try  and better themselves. Besides, there is no harm in talking to people who might become good friends of yours ten years down the road. I think the problem, usually, with people who have trouble making friends is that they dont see the point in having one that is so on-the-surface. I think people shouldnt care about that and instead try to enjoy the company of those who are around them. I learned this through a lot of experiences this year especially when one of my friends said people should just enjoy the company of those who they are with. Ironically, that's probably the MOST important thing i learned from July 4th to July 17th apart from learning that Occidentalism is as convoluted as Orientalism.

Then i went to L.A and Vegas with my immediate and some of my extended family. I came to the conclusion that Vegas is essentially a honeymooning spot that can only be made use of if either 1) you are over 21 or 2) you are going there to show people around. It was interesting nonetheless. The amazing thing was that i had a whole new perspective on Vegas this time around because the last time i went was over four years ago. This was partly due to the wise words of a French philosopher named Jean Baudrillard, who talked about Disneyland being an imaginary reality that is constructed to hide the fact that the rest of L.A is purely imaginary, thus proving that Disneyland is more real than anything else in the city. The thing is that Baudrillard is really confusing and i think i disagree with him. When i went to Vegas, it was no longer a fantasy land that was home to tall shiny buildings and bustling streets and fancy casinos, but it was an "economic market" in the sense that everything was so fake that you could sense that the entire city was in its own bubble but still operating under the traditional laissez-faire model of capitalism. Even David Copperfield's show seemed more of a "gimmick" than an actual mind-blowing experience. To that extent i was dissappointed. I was no longer treated to an astonishing disappearing act, because i was now old enough to only appreciate it skeptically, and instead my ($2.75!) Coca-cola suddenly was more amusing. This is not to say i didnt enjoy it. But what i did learn is a similarity between adults and children. Children appreciate fantasy worlds because it represents a place where they want to be. This is true for adults as well.  The only difference is that adults know it can never be while children dont. Maybe thats why Vegas to an adult can never truly be Disneyland to a child. Because after all, "ignorance is bliss". It made me wonder about whether Vegas and Disneyland would be different if they werent part of civilization, but rather secluded spots on the map where people could live. Then i think it would be less of an escape and more of a reality. Wow, who knew the word reality could cause so much controversy.

So anyway, i went from Vegas back home and strangely didnt feel as though i was departing from a parallel universe. Catalina island was my next destination and that was fun enough, especially considering a bike ride and a golf cart tour of an island are always cool in hot weather.(If you didnt get the joke, stop reading). Back at my Aunt's house in L.A, i watched tapes of my family inaugurating a temple in a village in India. I think watching that video opened my eyes to my families roots. To give you an idea, my mother is one of eight children. Her mother is one of eight children. Her father is one of eight children. So you could say i have a LOT of relatives. The really suprising thing is that our family keeps in touch. My great grandmother knows everyone's birthdays in the family, including mine. If thats something you cant appreciate, then  i dont know what is.

I look forward hopefully to my experience in New York to learn lessons that i otherwise wouldnt learn. So far, i have learned three important things about life that are all interrelated. Life is about balancing work and play. "Play hard, work hard". Life is about defining the real for yourself. "Reality is what you make of it"- a la matrix. Finally, you can get by life with the help of your friends-or your family.

Im hella looking forward to next year. Itll be a "struggle", but then ill say "peace" to high school and hello to a new life.

From Good Will Hunting. You can read all the books but you cant find the answers.

                        SEAN
           So if I asked you about art you could
           give me the skinny on every art book
           ever written...Michelangelo?
           You know a lot about him I bet. Life's
           work, criticisms, political aspirations.
           But you couldn't tell me what it smells
           like in the Sistine Chapel. You've
           never stood there and looked up at
           that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked
           you about women I'm sure you could
           give me a syllabus of your personal
           favorites. But you couldn't
           tell me how it feels to wake up next
           to a woman and be truly happy. If I
           asked you about war you could refer me
           to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional
           material, but you've never been in
           one. You've never held your best
           friend's head in your lap and watched
           him draw his last breath, looking to
           you for help. And if I asked you about
           love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never
           looked at a woman and been truly
           vulnerable. Known that someone could
           kill you with a look. That someone
           could rescue you from grief.
           That God had put an angel on Earth
           just for you. And you wouldn't know
           how it felt to be her angel. To have
           the love be there for her forever.
           Through anything, through cancer. You
           wouldn't know about sleeping sitting
           up in a hospital room for two months
           holding her hand and not leaving because
           the doctors could see in your eyes
           that the term "visiting hours" didn't
           apply to you. And you wouldn't know
           about real loss, because that only
           occurs when you lose something you
           love more than yourself, and you've
           never dared to love anything that much.
           I look at you and I don't see an
           intelligent confident man, I don't see
           a peer, and I don't see my equal. I
           see a boy. Nobody could possibly
           understand you, right Will? Yet you
           presume to know so much about me because
           of a painting you saw. You must know
           everything about me. You're an orphan,
           right?

Will nods quietly.

                        SEAN (cont'd)
           Do you think I would presume to know
           the first thing about who you are
           because I read "Oliver Twist?" And I
           don't buy the argument that you don't
           want to be here, because I think you
           like all the attention you're getting.
           Personally, I don't care. There's
           nothing you can tell me that I can't
           read somewhere else. Unless we talk
           about your life. But you won't do
           that. Maybe you're afraid of what
           you might say.

My analysis of the three types of people.

Today was so weird.  I was thinking about something called "people-molding". Or at least thats what i call it. Anyway, i think the basic concept is that certain people are made in different ways in terms of their personality. It is really interesting if you think about it. There are three types that i could identify. I think everyone fits into one of the three categories

The first, are the people who have it "going on". Now this is the colloquial phrase, obviously, but i think that it describes people who have things together and know what they want out of life. This does NOT refer to people who are hot. LoL. People who have it going on dont flaunt their skills but know what they want out of life. They are consistent in their "moral" framework, the apostrophes indicating that there is no objective morality. Like my experience in highschool has shown me that there are certain people that are so amazingly gifted that they know how to get things done. In highschool, we conventionally define these "things" as being a people-person and being academically strong. Now you may not have to do both or do one at all, but ive seen that most people who do both or revered. Anyway, the point. The point is that the people who are able to reserve different sides of themselves for different activities are the most versatile of any of us. Case and point. The funniest girl i ever met was also a party animal. Everyone just wanted to be around her. The next day i saw her in a library and she was intently reading a novel for class. I appreciated that someone, who seemed so focused on her studies, was able to put that aside to be a person that people wanted to be around. Wow. I dont think there needs to be an explanation for that.

I think the "going on" category has another subpoint, if you will. People who are naturally talented at something. I think the word something is appropriate so i dont overgeneralize. Anyway, lets take for example grammar. I have bad grammar and i frequently make writing errors. Other people can write a perfect paper without even checking it over because i assume they have some sort of word processor in their head. Other people have a knack for being real whenever they say something. Im sure what im saying right now about people seems contrived and somewhat like a lecture. Its not my intention to make it seem that way. Its just that i find if i give more examples about a certain subject, it makes it seem clearer. This people analysis thing is very clear. So, what we've seen from the first category of people who have it "going on" is that 1) they know what they want and are consistent(includes not caring what people think and 2) In certain cases have it going on because they have some natural skill that everyone envies. The point is, in the words of sumanth, they are "the man"(or woman).

No 2. The people who have it "going on somewhat". Sorry, couldnt think of a better phrase. Now, if you are one of these people, you know what u want but you are not confident and still unsure about how to attain it. I think this is number two because most of us fit into this category. Lets take some profound analysis from Michelle lin. She says that no one should praise someone for being beautiful. They just ARE beautiful; they didnt have to work for it. Why would you tell some mom that their child is gorgeous. Obviously we do it in our society, but i think if we analyze whether we should do it, it doesnt really make that much sense. Also, if someone is smart, it probably is a product of genetics. I know what you are going to say; A lot of people work hard to become smart! Well, then praise them for being hard-working.

I think the point is, the people in this second category are not sure how to have so-called "perfect characteristics" but they are on the right path in that they know what they want, if that makes any sense. Like i want to go to law school, but do i know what undergraduate school i want to go to? No. I did a quiet, retrospection of myself, and i realized that not many people would pick me to go to a club with on a Friday night, or "rep the streets" or something. But i hope people feel like they can confide in me. In that sense, i have to decide whether being the clubbing type is something i want. I dont know yet. I mean all i do know is that i want to be an all-rounded person. Why? Cuz life's more fun that way. I think this is an appropriate example of why i think i fit into the no . 2 category. I think i know what i want, but i dont know how to do it yet. Maybe ill learn gradually, maybe if i go to the east coast it will literally help me broaden my horizons, or maybe i can learn from other people right now. Rachael Maltiel knows she doesnt want to go to a UC. I admire that, and i respect that decision because its a character decision. The decisions we make in our life are ultimately to build on our character and to decide who we're going to be. That seems so vague right now, especially if you are reading this and you are a teenager. If you're not a teenager, i dont know why you're reading my xanga. Hah. I think the people who fit in the no. 2 category are starting to realize that every decision we make is not wrong or right, but there's just something about our character and personality that made us do it. If we think its wrong, we can fix it for next time. If we think it was a right decision, we can applaud our characteristics doing something right for once.

And then there's no. 3. I think the term "no 3" is misleading, because i dont intend to make it seem like it is somehow inferior to the rest of the categories. Its just different. These are the people who "dont have it together". When the going gets tough, you get going. That type of thing. Personal Strength is a very valuable attribute i think, and some people just dont have it. Breaking down, suicide, things like that. Sometimes i get upset over little things, and i realize that its not that important. I have started to take my dad's advice, think about whether you will be upset about it in ten years....and see if its worth it.  Most of the time, its not. I think a lack of personal strength is what makes people completely inconsistent in their beliefs and completely wavering. We do things not because WE want to, but because everyone else wants to. I know it sounds cliche, but i think going with everyone elses flow is sometimes detrimental. This doesnt mean that if you WANT to go with the flow you cant, it just means that if you dont, i dont think you should unless you are forced to, in which case thats a different situation. What i mean by dont have it together, is that people adapt to the point where they try to be someone completely different around different people. Not everyone can pull it off. For example, Brian yen from our school came dressed up as a pink bunny once for halloween(i think). It was funny, but he wasnt laughed at because he was brian. He got it together in the sense that he could act confident and knew what he was getting himself into. By contrast, if i was to walk in with a pink bunny suit, i wouldnt have the strength to stand the ridicule because it would be too devastating. And i dont like pink. From my experiences with people, i find that they are separated into this third category. I think these are people that dont know what they want out of life.. Its not a bad thing, its just an issue of uncertainty. "People-molding" , what a complex art.

Anyway thats my nonsensical schpiel about people.  Life is short. So i think we should dedicate our lives to becoming better people. We dont know how long or big our lives will be. To steal an Austin Powers quote completely out of context, "Its not the size mate, its how you use it".

Im sure he was talking about life.